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Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire
Somewhere in the desert, Draco and his band of barbarians are searching through a series of pillars and find what they are looking for: terpsichore's solid gold lyre. The barbarians are basking in triumph when a platoon of amazons appear and demand the Lyre because it was found on their territory. Draco says that the amazons can pry it from his dead fingers. "With pleasure." The head amazon, Amoria, says and draws her weapon. The Lyre is suddenly ripped from Draco's hands by the whip of Xena. "Well kids, if you can't play nice with your toy I'm gonna have to take it from ya." she says smugly. Draco tries to put the moves on Gabrielle, who explains to Joxer that baby Bliss put a spell on him in "a comedy of Eros". The amazons mock the barbarians and both sides draw their weapons. Xena stops the amazons and they drop their weapons. The barbarians prepare to attack, but Gabrielle disarms them with a cartwheel and Xena declares the Lyre will be won in a battle of the Bands. (credits) Everyone is getting ready for the music competition and Xena and Joxer are designing a stage when Cyrene approaches and begins pummeling Xena with questions about her child's father. But when Xena reveals the father's not in her life, Cyrene promises to help Xena find a man, much to Xena's dismay. Gabrielle is being tortured by hordes of bad singers when Xena and Joxer walk in and Gabrielle explains that they all suck. "Sadly everyone in the music capital of Greece is tone-deaf. Suddenly a soft melody catches everyone's ears and they follow it to a man, dancing, singing, and looking like Joxer. Joxer explains that it's his brother Jace and, filled with embarassment, leaves as Jace wins Gabrielle, Xena, and everyone's hearts through song. Everyone except Draco and his barbarians, who order Jace to leave. Xena states that if Draco hurts Jace, she'll scalp him and Draco is further shamed by a victory dance from Jace and his back-ground singers. Joxer is making a fool of himself while working on the contest when Amoria comes over and hits on him. Jace arrives and embarasses Joxer, who in turn treats him with hostility. Jace discusses this with Xena, who explains that Joxer likes to think he knows who he is but all he knows is who he wants to be. Jace leaves with a melody on his mind and Cyrene enters with a healer, who she tries to set up with Xena. Xena manages to scare him off with her pregnancy, however. Joxer is back to work when Amoria comes up and requests his presence at her rehearsal. Gabrielle watches from afar and finds she is not able to articulate the strange feeling she's having. Xena is whistling a tune as she is working on the contest when another suitor comes up and tries to woo her, but Xena turns him down saying she's not in the market for a man. "How 'bout a little casual sex?" he says hopefully. Xena responds with a sucker-punch. Amoria and Joxer are flirting as she rehearses and Gabrielle is watching from the bar wondering why she cares. "Ain't love grand?" Draco says startling Gabrielle, who learns that Draco wants the lyre to win Gabrielle over. Gabrielle rejects him yet again and he responds by taking it out on his henchmen vowing that if he can't have Gabrielle, no one will. Jace is practicing his moves on the stage and Joxer and Amoria are watching when Joxer puts the moves on Amoria and she says he's trying too hard again. Gabrielle and Xena are watching and discussing Gabrielle's feelings about Joxer and Amoria. Xena states that if Gabrielle's not gonna take Joxer it's not fair for her to stop somebody else from trying. In the tavern, Joxer tries to make a pathetic apology to Jace, who comments that it's about him being older than Joxer by half an hour and how that makes all the difference in the world to Joxer and storms out. Xena is confronted in the tavern by a teenage suitor, who offers Xena's child a good father and Xena says that he shouldn't be in such a hurry to grow up. Cyrene is relaxing in the Spa when Xena confronts her on her old-fashioned ideas and manages to change her mind with some help from Amoria and the other women. Draco is still taking out his grief on his barbarians, who say that they still want to rock out. Draco decides that they'll still perform, in fact, they're gonna slay 'em. On opening night, Gabrielle is struggling because nobody wants to be the first band. Draco approaches with his barbarians and gives Gabrielle one more chance. Gabrielle protests and Draco captures her, saying that she's part of the act now and for their grand finale she gets to die. Draco's band sings "Kick out the Jams!" and reveal a cage, containing Gabrielle in a frilly, revealing outfit. Draco's Lyre begins to shoot fire and Gabrielle struggles to dodge it. The crowd gives Gabrielle a rock to break out and Draco is about to kill her when Xena stops him with an extremely loud note. As Xena is beating the barbarians, Gabrielle escapes her cage and surfs the crowd to safety. Draco follows and is about to end Gabrielle when Xena whacks him. Xena and Draco battle verbally and physically taking their fight to the heads and shoulders of the crowd as the amazons forcefully reclaim the stage. Xena finally defeats Draco, knocking him on to the ground. Xena ties up Draco and the barbarians up back stage. As Amoria is getting hot and heavy with one of the barbarians, Gabrielle comforts Joxer, telling him she still cares about him and that Amoria is a rocker chick. Jace tells Xena the crowd wants an encore. "I'd love to but I'm fresh out of asses to kick." Xena says cheerfully. Jace tells Xena she just won the lyre. Xena declares that Terpsichore wanted the Lyre to spread music and she's leaving it in the music capital of Greece. Xena and company then finish the show with a huge musical number about the importance of freedom.